just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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