I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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