Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dicks are not precious.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
