When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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