I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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