it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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