she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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