So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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