SEEEEXXX PLEASE
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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