Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
