How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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