I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I looked at my own cervix.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
