I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
