I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
