apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
