I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
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He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
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Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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