nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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