bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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