I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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