I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
