just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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