Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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