Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We named our party play list daddy issues
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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