her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
