Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
