I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
