Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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