I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We just shotgunned beers for America
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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