now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
