I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
