textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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