dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
