I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
