She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
