do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You ruined the universe
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
