he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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