Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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