You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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