Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
