The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
