FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm really busy with my period
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