My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
