Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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