I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
