I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
