Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
