the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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