And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
