Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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