Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
