I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
