I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
