im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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