If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
