Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
