I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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