So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
